So where do I start? This is where I've been struggling. This is why I hadn't started a journal ... yet again. All these different people recommending I journal but no one tells you what to write. And it's not like I haven't just randomly kept journals before over the years so I don't know why this is so hard. Most have all been when I've had some form of extreme emotion-love, adoration, worry, sadness. I definitely have no shortage of extreme emotions right now. I guess that's where I start. With my Post-Partum Stress, Anxiety, and Depression.
I have been suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety for several months now. I am only just now starting to gain coping skills and understanding into what I am going through. What I am putting my husband and my family through. Why am I not to blame, that I can not control it, and that it does not make me a bad mother (so they tell me to keep telling myself). And I do understand that it is a lot of hormones and stress and things I can control as I ride that emotional rollercoaster of rage and sadness but a big part of me feels like there should be something I can do and that I should not be SO ANGRY about the things that make me just RAGE. That I should not be so anxious and on the verge of panic attacks over random things, over little things, over things I know to be fine, or just completely out of nowhere over nothing at all. A big part of me wants to not ride that rollercoaster all day, every day. Constantly up and down, seeing how it affects me, my marriage, and worst of all, my kids. To see Toddler Cheeks wondering if Momma is gonna yell, or ask me why I'm sad or "Are you happy today Momma?"
So I reached out. I went through a bad spell several years back before I met Daddy Cheeks and I knew that as much as therapy and speaking with a counselor can suck, it is also very helpful. So I reached out. It took awhile to hear back from the local Postpartum Clinic/Department, there aren't a lot of resources out there unless you are a new, first time mom. I was a second time mom. My first was smooth sailing. We joked that the second would be much harder because Cheeks was just such a happy, easygoing baby. We were right of course, Cheeky Bash Baby had colic the first couple months. I knew there would be adjustment adding a new baby to the house and I wanted to make it as easy as possible on Cheeks so that the transition would go a little smoother. I felt it was important to have him in his room, in his bed, just the same, maintain bedtime routines, etc. Then my MIL calls and informs me she's already purchased a ticket and is coming for TWO WEEKS after the baby's due date. No asking, no checking ahead of time. Just books the tickets and here she comes. I should have probably said something right then and there but despite being Oversharin' Erin, my therapists will all tell you I have boundary issues with family members-mostly Mothers. My MIL lives in AK, we see her exactly three times a year unless of course she can get a random reason to escape for grandbabies. But TWO WEEKS in our TINY 2 bedroom apartment when we are adjusting to adding a newborn to the family and trying to help the 2 year old grasp whats going on-lets just say it wasn't great. 5 days in the toddler told her to go home. Thankfully I don't think she understood him. We did some rearranging of the sleep arrangements and things smoothed out a little. I will tell you right here and now though that if there is a baby #3 NO ONE is coming for at least 2-3 weeks after baby comes home. FINAL.
The overwhelming stress that I have felt started with that phone call and has just built and built for months. Her visiting for two weeks was stressful, not helpful in the least. I knew I had baby blues. I knew I was adjusting. I knew it would take time to find a balance with a 2yo and a newborn but the blues never seemed to go away and then the stress and anxiety settled in. I started googling and talking to the pediatrician on well-child checks. I was pretty sure I had Postpartum Stress. He gave me some reading to pick up from the local library. The first book didn't help at all. I couldn't relate at all to what this woman was saying. I kept reading and reading, hoping maybe the next chapter would have something, praying to find some little nugget of wisdom to help me through my days. My days seemed to get harder, the nights seemed to get longer. My husband works a lot and is the main support for the family. I never wanted to bother waking him with the baby or the toddler when I needed an extra hand or was just too tired. He had to get up and go to work in the morning. He never hears them. He sleeps so hard, I figure he is just so tired from working all day, he needs the sleep. But then it was getting to be 3, 4, 5 days where I hadn't slept at all. Hadn't slept for even an hour at a time, I never got more than 3 hours in a night, if I was lucky, and that was never ever in a row. The doctor told me to have him take over a night feeding, but he gets up at 5am so if the baby's timing worked right, there was only one he could do. And then I would still have to get up and pump-more often than not he was back in bed before me because of how long it would take me versus how fast Bash Baby can chug. I was getting even less sleep. Even now, at 8 months old we are still having these stretches where I'm up all night, every night with both babies. They share a room so if one is having a bad night, it affects the other. For a long time, my antidepressants were affecting the baby. That was a mess and a battle trying to figure that out. It's been several months of battling, crying, talking, yelling, more crying, not knowing what to do and feeling like a total failure. A failure as a person, a failure as a wife, a failure as a mom. But I've persevered. I am taking it one step at a time, one day a time. So here I start. One entry at a time. Because this journey is not over. Despite having come this far in the last several months, my battle is not over. I am still very new in my understanding and treating of my Postpartum Anxiety and Depression, but the important thing was that I Started.
You have to start somewhere.
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| No idea where I got this-off facebook I'm sure. |
